Trauma is something that has informed much of my current practice, and I use my work to explore and comprehend my experiences. Trauma during childhood can result in severe mental illness that can cause a loss of one's sense of self and connection to identity and body. This disconnection and feelings of isolation is something I have become increasingly interested in my work. These experiences force the survivor into a liminal space in which childhood has been lost but there has yet to be a fully formed self identity. This feeling of dissociation and discomfort is something I try to explore in a more physical realm. At its core, my practice is motivated and heavily influenced by my exploration in material and obsessive need to archive and produce work.
My creative process typically starts with looking at and collecting photos of young children, typically vintage family photos of girls similar in age to myself when I experienced my first trauma. I utilize a combination of these found photos in addition to images of myself from my personal family archive. I do not feel that the specific identification of myself or of other children is necessary for the understanding of my work. I am more so interested in the idea of unidentified girls and the potential for my identification within them. I want the viewer to be unsure if the images are of myself or not, as a means to further this concept of lost identity and depersonalization.
I take such interest in the family archive due to the artificial constructed nature of their composition. I also am interested in the purpose of these archives as a whole. The vast majority of my collection have been thrifted or purchased from garage or estate sales. When sourcing these images I often question why these images and subjects were valued enough to be archived, yet devalued to the point of being sold to a stranger. Recently, I have also begun sourcing my images from old parenting “self help” type books. These sources also utilize family photography, but present these images as being the “ideal” or “correct” way in which a child should be cared for and raised. This, without providing the full context of the family unit. I believe these sources add a sort of irony as these images follow the same artificial constructs of typical family photography and there is no real indication of them being different then a posed photo of a family with a history of abuse or neglect.
After making my photo selection, I collect a variety of materials and mediums. I often work with gel medium, ceiling paint and film but more often than not I will experiment with other materials such as box tape, glass sealant, sound and projection. From there, I work on isolating the subjects by removing portions of their surroundings in an attempt to literally depict these feelings of isolation. At this point I drastically shift from the careful consideration process used to select photos and remove their surroundings, to something much more intuitive or even impulsive, and experiment with different materials. This allows me to explore more so on my personal experiences and memories in a way that is purely physical instead of in a more reflective matter. I find my process allows me to explore material in its most pure form, and then afterwards I can better reflect and understand their meaning and the substance behind them.
This understanding of material is also something that carries into my work with film. In doing so I am drawn to the traditional delivery of photo and projection, in that the material qualities of such are lost in the digital age. Often I use 35mm slides, slide projectors or slide viewers and overhead projectors. These objects, as well as the projection or images themselves, become part of the work. Again, these objects become physical materials used to explore memory and the archive. Usually these devices also produce their own sound and scent, which can trigger a sense of nostalgia in the viewer that is not obtainable with the imagery alone. This can allow for the viewer to become more immersed in the work.
In creating my work and cultivating these spaces I hope that others who have similar experiences to me or who also struggle with this existence within liminal space after trauma can identify with my work in a meaningful way. To viewers who can not relate on this more intimate level, I try to create a space in which they can begin to understand in a physical sense. With my work I want to create objects and experiences that explore this discomfort and isolation that is not triggering for myself or the viewer, but still effective in exploring such topics.
My creative process typically starts with looking at and collecting photos of young children, typically vintage family photos of girls similar in age to myself when I experienced my first trauma. I utilize a combination of these found photos in addition to images of myself from my personal family archive. I do not feel that the specific identification of myself or of other children is necessary for the understanding of my work. I am more so interested in the idea of unidentified girls and the potential for my identification within them. I want the viewer to be unsure if the images are of myself or not, as a means to further this concept of lost identity and depersonalization.
I take such interest in the family archive due to the artificial constructed nature of their composition. I also am interested in the purpose of these archives as a whole. The vast majority of my collection have been thrifted or purchased from garage or estate sales. When sourcing these images I often question why these images and subjects were valued enough to be archived, yet devalued to the point of being sold to a stranger. Recently, I have also begun sourcing my images from old parenting “self help” type books. These sources also utilize family photography, but present these images as being the “ideal” or “correct” way in which a child should be cared for and raised. This, without providing the full context of the family unit. I believe these sources add a sort of irony as these images follow the same artificial constructs of typical family photography and there is no real indication of them being different then a posed photo of a family with a history of abuse or neglect.
After making my photo selection, I collect a variety of materials and mediums. I often work with gel medium, ceiling paint and film but more often than not I will experiment with other materials such as box tape, glass sealant, sound and projection. From there, I work on isolating the subjects by removing portions of their surroundings in an attempt to literally depict these feelings of isolation. At this point I drastically shift from the careful consideration process used to select photos and remove their surroundings, to something much more intuitive or even impulsive, and experiment with different materials. This allows me to explore more so on my personal experiences and memories in a way that is purely physical instead of in a more reflective matter. I find my process allows me to explore material in its most pure form, and then afterwards I can better reflect and understand their meaning and the substance behind them.
This understanding of material is also something that carries into my work with film. In doing so I am drawn to the traditional delivery of photo and projection, in that the material qualities of such are lost in the digital age. Often I use 35mm slides, slide projectors or slide viewers and overhead projectors. These objects, as well as the projection or images themselves, become part of the work. Again, these objects become physical materials used to explore memory and the archive. Usually these devices also produce their own sound and scent, which can trigger a sense of nostalgia in the viewer that is not obtainable with the imagery alone. This can allow for the viewer to become more immersed in the work.
In creating my work and cultivating these spaces I hope that others who have similar experiences to me or who also struggle with this existence within liminal space after trauma can identify with my work in a meaningful way. To viewers who can not relate on this more intimate level, I try to create a space in which they can begin to understand in a physical sense. With my work I want to create objects and experiences that explore this discomfort and isolation that is not triggering for myself or the viewer, but still effective in exploring such topics.